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Eventually, You Get 'There'

Since starting to paint more seriously in 2018 I have stewed about 'selling' - not so much because I want to 'sell' literally ,as that I saw it as a measure of purpose and value. How do you get going? How do you get your art out there? Then when I learned how, I couldn't do it. I couldn't put my 'self' out there in the way that was required. I was worried about what people would think - the colleagues I used to work with, family, friends. I was plagued by feelings of incongruence.

And then, a few weeks ago, it just fell into place. I heard someone say, "I don't have to push my art. When my art is ready, things will happen." Just hearing those words at that moment from that person - words I have believed - settled me right down. I exhaled.

I've heard many times online that 1000 followers on instagram is the tipping point, and I'm almost there; and heard that you can never know, even if you have a plan, how your journey will grow, or in which direction. This is also true.

I never anticipated rekindling an interest in printmaking. I never thought I'd make mono prints on a gelli plate, or buy a press. I was painting exclusively. I was worried about how works on paper would be presented, about the expense of framing etc, that they didn't 'count' - that's why I stopped watercolour painting.

Anyhow, long story short - I suddenly feel it will all be OK. I've lost the feelings of inadequacy, of having to compete. That's all that's changed, really. So now I 'm happily working on paper.

How? Why? I think because I am fully engaged in real pursuit. All the little bits that were flying around have been packed into a ball. There is some coalescence - even though I also still wander (quite joyfully). I feel fine about it all. And that is a feeling that is tangible and that I can hold onto, and there is absolutely no way I could have known this before I felt it. It cannot be taught or forced. It can hardly be described - and yet, it's a real transition I was told would come eventually.

Teaching was higher on my wish list than selling, and now its happening. I used to look at the exhibition successes of others and be mystified. Now I look and think "one day that will be me".

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